my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize