We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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