I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
