glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
