So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize