you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Randomize
