Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
