Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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