me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
