I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Ladies don't puke and tell
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
