you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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