Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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