can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
