Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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