Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
