he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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