i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
