I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
