goodnight i made you a song goodbye
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize