i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
