I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
