the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
