brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize