If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I am spending my child support on dildos
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
