Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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