I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
