omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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