need another drink. this is the easiest way
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize