Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
