she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
