When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize