I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
