Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
