My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
