turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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