Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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