proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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