I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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