True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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