guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
