i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
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