the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
