Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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