He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
