8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize