have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I enjoy the company of your penis
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