my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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