I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
