A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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