you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
