piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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