from now on my penis is your penis
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
