So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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