Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
