I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
