Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We have so much sex to catch up on
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
