while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
