you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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