You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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