NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I look better un-naked...
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
