I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Hippo gnu deer
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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