Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
