he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
