i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I am naked and annoyed.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
