we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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