ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Someone came in the potted fern
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
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