This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
