I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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