awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
