Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
